My Thoughts for April 26, 2015
Alright men, pay attention! Men, Mother’s Day is just around the corner. Alert the kids; get them on-board. Get yourself on-board. What’d mean their grown? What’d you mean you have no child? (For guys that are oblivious, May 10th is Mother’s Day.) ! No, don’t give me that excuse, “She’s not my mother.” She’s the mother of your children, isn’t she?? Also, if you’re really honest, she’s been “mothering” you since the proverbial honeymoon period ended. Get my drift?
Like I said, I’ve been scrounging around for something to give my wife on Mother’s Day. I have a friend that buys his wife garden equipment each Mother’s Day, like a lawn mower or a rake, something to make the yard-work easier for her while he’s off playing golf. Another friend buys his wife a nice kitchen appliance each year--says it’s to help her cook better. Both of these ideas are teeming with danger. I’m not stupid; these types of gifts are really dangerous. You ladies understand.
When I picked up the mail this week, I noticed an Ultra Beauty catalog purporting to be “For the world’s Most Fabulous Mom!” Now we’re cooking. First thing I see is a free tote bag, a $40 value. Wow! Then I read the fine print, “with any fragrance purchase of $30 or more.” Oops, but wait, I get to “choose from seven colors!” I wouldn’t begin to know which color to choose. Also, choosing a fragrance is about as dangerous a purchase as buying lawn equipment or kitchen appliances. No, it’s too risky--she might think I’m implying something.
I move on reading through the booklet, hoping for a minor miracle: finally, a Gucci’s Guilty Woman Gift Set. What’s this? Sound like trouble to me. I turn the page the suddenly an insert drops out declaring “BE DELICIOUS.” I open it up and staring at me are pictures of green and yellow apples. Apparently, it’s possible to be delicious like a green apple or a golden delicious apple. There are even little flaps at the edge of each page, which if you peel back, you can smell what she will taste like. This seems risky.
Moving along, I come to the “Natural Flirt Collection.” This section is a limited-edition collection for eyes, lips, and facial products, which will “enhance all her flirtatious features.” Again, sounds too dangerous, but less dangerous than “The Ralph Lauren Weekender” tote bag that you receive with any $82 Ralph Lauren romance fragrance purchase which claims, “The women’s fragrance that evokes the timeless essence of falling in love.” Good grief, we’re past velvety woods, extravagant florals and seductive musk. Heck, at my age I just want a hot bath and some skin cream. Then, off to bed at 8 O’clock and leave me alone already.
Honey, I’m sorry I can’t save your skin, or make it velvety, or fix your eye lashes and put just the right curve in your eyebrows. I don’t know the first thing about hair color or how to make your lips full. I just know I love you like you are, and if you will be happy with a fist full of flowers from Costco, I promise not to fall asleep in front of the television on Mother’s Day, watching golf (Luckily, the Master’s is over).
(Please consider buying your wife a copy of my book, Shadows In Our Lives, available at Amazon.com. Here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/Shadows-Our-Lives-Collection-Stories/dp/06922... .)